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Mom Rant #5--The Wedding Fiasco

My sister-in-law got married over the weekend. It was a beautiful wedding, filled with love, laughter, and a bit of family chaos.  We all were asked to be in the wedding; I was a bridesmaid, Josh was an usher, Kiara a flower girl, and Rafi a ringbearer. It's already a lot of work when just one person is in the wedding party. Now add everyone, and you're sure to run into some craziness. Rafi has ADHD, which means he is impulsive, hyper, and struggles to focus. Kiara on the other hand... I believe she CHOOSES to just not listen and do whatever she wants to do all the time.  Everyone is getting ready for the wedding, and Kiara is so excited to be wearing her dress. She insists she must bring her Furby. Now Rafi wants to bring a toy. Sorry, no toys or we'll lose them. Guess who still bring one? Yup, Kiara. So we get to the venue, we're looking for the grooms suite and the bridal suite. We finally find it. Rafi asks, is this the REAL wedding? Because the night before was the...
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Diary Entry #5--True Friend

The more I tell others about myself, I notice that they don't care. Or at least it seems that way. I just recently found out that I'm what's called a Vacillator. I assume too much, I have an idealistic view of life, marriage, family, and friends. I continue to crave relationships more, wanting to truly be accepted, loved, to be a priority in someone's life, other than my husband and kids. This weekend I realized that I am not. It definitely hurts--knowing that no one cares about me enough to give me a shout out on socials or in a speech, to initiate hanging out or talking on the phone, or even to call a best friend. I just want to feel important; is that wrong?  I've been feeling this at work and in my personal life. My staff doesn't seem to care about my well-being, how I'm doing, or even ask about how my weekend was. My own siblings don't prioritize me, hardly ever call me unless they need something. And friends; like I have any. I consider everyone an...
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Diary Entry #4--Giving Up

Negativity. It's constantly around me. All I see is what could be the worst possible scenario, and me not being able to overcome it. Wanting to give up.  Giving up is an option. Failure is inevitable. Am I giving up a blessing or a burden? Right now all I see is a burden. How can a blessing bring so much pain, suffering, and hardship? How can I get through this?  Why do You allow this to happen? You say it's to teach me. You say it's to make me stronger. You say in my weakness is Your strength made stronger (2 Corinthians 12:9). But I can't see that right now.  I'm ready to give up. To just drop everything and be done. To hide away from everyone and everything. Pretend like it's a distant memory. Is that what You want?  I'm not blaming You. I don't think it was intentional. But it's all just too much for me to handle. I have to make my lifestyle more unmanageable, sacrifice my time with my children, sacrifice my mental health, for this to happen.  No...
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Mom Rant #4--The Bathroom Party

Josh and I stayed up late. Too late. We could not get up in the morning. But guess who was awake?  You guessed it! The kids were up bright and early. Josh and I stayed in bed. BIG. MISTAKE. After I finally decided to wake up at about 8 o' clock, I went downstairs to make breakfast for the kids. It's Sunday, and we are going to church.  I notice immediately that there are no toys on the toy shelf. "Rafael, where did you put all the toys?" I then turn towards the bathroom. The door is closed. Where are the kids? I open the door.......... ALL THE TOYS ARE IN THE BATHROOM. Dumped out. The kids are sitting on top of them, inside inflatable pool floating rings. I kid you not; the toys were up to my waist, covering the toilet. Obviously, we have way too many toys.  I screamed. "OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!" Josh runs downstairs, thinking something happened. Which, something definitely did. He's in awe. I was making incomprehensible sounds. Stuttering. I was pacing back an...
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Diary Entry #3--Light in the Darkness

This has been a season of much suffering. I sometimes wonder how much I can handle. I cry out to the Lord for guidance and help. Many times I feel like I can't hear Him; He's just silent. That makes me feel like I am not cared for.  I sit in my self-pity, wondering why I am here in this place in my life. Is this where I am supposed to be? If it is, why am I questioning everything? It would be one thing if I was the only one affected, but I feel like this affects my whole family. I have been asking the Lord for guidance, yet continue to hear nothing.  I have been having some severe anxiety attacks lately, which is abnormal for me. I've been having them close together, randomly, and then again when I am stressed from certain situations that arise. Being involved in ministry is already a hard job.  The other day Rafi had a bad dream. So bad that he came into my room crying inconsolably. I asked him what happened in his dream and he said he couldn't remember. Usually when h...
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Diary Entry #2--Worthless

Why do I feel this way? Everything I do reminds me of how much I fail.  I'm a failure as a mom, wife, employee, and person. I can do nothing right.  This whole week has been more overwhelming than I can imagine. The expectations and pressure...I just can't keep up. I'm slowly falling into a pit. And the further I go down, the more I want to just accept it, and keep falling.  I distract myself with stupid things. Love stories, comedy...anything that helps me to escape the reality that I'm living in.  Because I don't want to face it. I don't want this to be my life anymore.  When I get to this point, I don't even want to reach out to anyone. It's like I want to just be in pain. And even when people reach out, I don't give them much. Because I want to wallow in my self-pity. This cycle continues until I feel I've hit rock bottom. Why do I get like this? I have a great life...a husband and kids that love me. A job. My kids are going to private school...
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Diary Entry #1--Crazy House

Every day it seems like I'm going crazy. There's just so much to do: wash the dishes, sweep, get the kids ready for bed and school, make dinner...the list is endless.  Tonight Kiara was crying because she didn't want to clean up. Then she was angry and hit Rafael. Then she was crying again, and it's because she loves me so much (her words). Rafael wanted to keep playing outside, then he wanted to play video games, but he kept losing, so he began to cry...then it's bath time, and the bedtime routine, which is sometimes the dreaded time because everyone is tired, emotional, and checked out. I'm living in a crazy house. Is it my house? My family? Or is this just life? (I definitely think my family is a bit crazier than others generally...) I keep telling myself that one day it will get easier. Maybe when the kids are older. Maybe when I work less. That doesn't seem to be the truth. Life will always be crazy no matter what.  Do you ever have those days where you...
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