Diary Entry #5--True Friend

The more I tell others about myself, I notice that they don't care. Or at least it seems that way. I just recently found out that I'm what's called a Vacillator. I assume too much, I have an idealistic view of life, marriage, family, and friends. I continue to crave relationships more, wanting to truly be accepted, loved, to be a priority in someone's life, other than my husband and kids. This weekend I realized that I am not.

It definitely hurts--knowing that no one cares about me enough to give me a shout out on socials or in a speech, to initiate hanging out or talking on the phone, or even to call a best friend. I just want to feel important; is that wrong?

I've been feeling this at work and in my personal life. My staff doesn't seem to care about my well-being, how I'm doing, or even ask about how my weekend was. My own siblings don't prioritize me, hardly ever call me unless they need something. And friends; like I have any. I consider everyone an acquaintance.

Josh says I have too high of expectations for friends. That I need to lower them. Well, sorry for wanting a friend that's loyal and prioritizes me. I think about my own flaws; is it because I talk too much, am opinionated, loud? What about that I'm funny, loyal, generous, and kind? Another part of me just doesn't care. If you don't like me, whatever. But deep down, it does hurt, to not have that companionship with others.

But when I look at Jesus (who had 12 super close friends, plus others: Mary Magdalene, Johanna, etc.), I realize when it mattered most to Him, His friends were not there for Him. In the garden of Gethsemane (John 18-19), Jesus went to pray, He's sweating blood, and his friends are asleep. ASLEEP. If that were me I'd be so upset. I'd disown them on the spot. But it happened a second time. Judas betrayed Him; straight up brought Him to slaughter. And then, Peter denied Him 3 times (Luke 22). When Jesus was on the cross, only John and His mother Mary were there (John 19).

Jesus, perfect Jesus, also had friend problems. And He still does. How many times have I snubbed him, not read the Word or prayed, because I was too tired, too busy, or just decided to do something else instead? I need to treat Him as the only Best Friend. He is the only one that will never leave me, never hurt me, and never steer me wrong.

Throughout my life friends have come and gone. I know that's part of life, and everyone has friends for certain seasons. But Jesus has been a constant to me, while I haven't been to Him. So, it is okay for me to be hurt by the people in my life. I am allowed to feel this way. It doesn't make the situation right or wrong. I just know that I need to continue working on my relationship with the only One who has ever been my True Friend.

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