Negativity. It's constantly around me. All I see is what could be the worst possible scenario, and me not being able to overcome it. Wanting to give up.
Giving up is an option. Failure is inevitable. Am I giving up a blessing or a burden? Right now all I see is a burden. How can a blessing bring so much pain, suffering, and hardship? How can I get through this?
Why do You allow this to happen? You say it's to teach me. You say it's to make me stronger. You say in my weakness is Your strength made stronger (2 Corinthians 12:9). But I can't see that right now.
I'm ready to give up. To just drop everything and be done. To hide away from everyone and everything. Pretend like it's a distant memory. Is that what You want?
I'm not blaming You. I don't think it was intentional. But it's all just too much for me to handle. I have to make my lifestyle more unmanageable, sacrifice my time with my children, sacrifice my mental health, for this to happen.
No one even listens to me anyway. No one cares about the things I have to say. It's like yelling at the walls, but they don't respond. There is no respect for me, there is no care for me. I am just the person that has to carry the burden. And I have to carry it well, or else everything falls apart. My life falling apart means nothing to everyone else, so long as everything else is managed well.
This is just a season, some people say. This is just the way things are for everyone right now. That doesn't help. I am sacrificing my happiness, my life, my kids, my health...for something that is not worth it to me.
You say that it is. I don't believe that. I can't believe that--I refuse to. I see no fruition. All I can do right now is verbalize how I feel. And even then I know it doesn't matter. The stress, the insanity, the pain. It all affects me. It affects my family. I am dying inside, and no one cares. I have no one. And You like to just tell me it's okay. Well, it's not. I'm not.
I can't be thankful for anything. The same thing happens every year. I feel the same way at the same time. I'm numb during this season. I don't want to deal with anything. I just want to hide away from everyone and everything. I want to live in a faraway land that is not my own. I like to live in my dreams and in stories. But that's not real.
Reality is a slap in the face; it's ice cold water when you're fast asleep. It's the worst thing I could imagine. Because no one helps. No one cares. No one shows up. But I have to do that for everyone else. I have to be that person. And I can't anymore.
Should I just say goodbye now? To this place that's dark and unmanageable? You say I need to stick it out. I don't want to. Why am I here, now? I may never know.
You tell me You've overcome the world (John 16:33). You tell me not to fear because You'll strengthen and help me (Isaiah 41:10). You tell me all things work together for good for those that are called to a purpose (Romans 8:28). You tell me to be courageous because You are with me (Joshua 1:9).
It's hard to believe any of that. Especially when others tell me or show me the opposite. My head knows that I can't focus on what others think of me. But my heart breaks knowing that's what they think. My heart continues to break each time I see how I am not heard; how I am not respected; how no one heeds my authority; how I am not cared for.
This is me. Broken, frail, and empty. I have nothing left. Would You still accept that? Would You still accept me?
You hold my right hand and tell me not to fear (Isaiah 41:13). You tell me not to worry about anything, and that tomorrow has it's own worries (Matthew 6:31-34).
And for now, that's the best thing I can do. Just sit, and hold Your hand. Tomorrow is a new day, with it's own worries. I just need You right now. I guess I'll hold off on giving up for now.
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